So, lately I have been thinking a lot about choices that I've made, and how they have impacted my life.
I think the biggest one would be, when we moved to Calgary ten years ago, my parents couldn't make a choice between two houses to buy. One in the north, one in the south. They ended up giving my sister and I the choice. While the house in the south was nice in that it had hardwood floors and one of those bathrooms where there is a heater beneath the tiles to warm your feet, the house in the north had a fountain in the backyard. A fountain. And being 7 and 10 like my sister and I were, the fountain was WAAAY better than the hardwood floors. So we moved to the north.

What would have happened had we bought the house in the south?

I doubt I would be playing ringette, as my sister started playing it because of a few girls in her grade 5 class at Hawkwood Elementary played it. And seeing as we would not even have attended Hawkwood, would we ever have gotten into it?

I would not have gone to Branton, or probably even a french immersion school, as I am pretty sure not every Elementary school has a person as ecstatic as we did to promote french immersion. It makes me somewhat sad that I cannot remember her name.

I could be going to some ghetto high school. Without the positive influences that my friends have provided throughout elementary, junior AND senior high school, I could be like, a whore who smokes and drinks every weekend. Odd.

Who would I be?

Question,
if you could have one wish,
that would give you ANYTHING in the world
besides more wishes,
what would it be?

Could this be?
Are we coming to a turning point?
Or are we just setting ourselves up for more disappointment?

There needs to be more love in the world right now.
As VITE would say, "erbody love erbody".
A la vite. :)

I don't tell you enough.

Hannah, Lyndsay, and Rachel
I LOVE YOU

I think that I need to say that more often so that you don't forget.
You are all amazing people and never fail to astound me.
I appreciate your friendship so so much, and I can't imagine life without you guys.

much love forever.

Where are my good days?

"I need to just admit that the passion's gone"

I never thought I would see the day where I would say that I didn't want to go to ringette. I'm tired of dealing with this.
I knew this was going to happen. I didn't think it would be this bad though.

I miss you.
"You told me, look for you and I will find. So I'm here, like I'm searching for the first time"

What do I do? I've done the best I can.

It's frustrating. I hate being a second year. I hate it because people look to you. I love being captain, but at the same time, I despise it. Because people see the letter on your jersey, and they expect you to be good. They expect you to shine, to lead the team. When you make mistakes, you feel like you have let everyone down, even though they are making more mistakes then you are. I like being a first year and playing with people who are better than you, so you can learn from them, improve, and you don't feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

"Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrows?"

I do.

And at the same time, I hate playing good. Because I know that I did the best that I could, and there is nothing more I can possibly do. And it's not helping. I hate feeling so helpless. Like all my hard work is for nothing.

I don't understand why this isn't working. The ability is there. The will to win is not. How do you learn to have that? How do you learn mental toughness?

And I can't stop. I can't stop thinking of how things were. How perfect things were.
I miss you and it is breaking my heart. Slowly, painfully.

I've lost my passion.

I miss you.
"Believe in yourself. Believe in your team. Never give up, never give in"
Biy, biyt, ngu, ngi.


Where have my good days gone?

I can't believe this is happening.

In the times of William Shakespeare..
the world is in chaos.
CHAOS I TELL YOU.

A year ago, I never even dreamed I would be where I am now.

I love music. I love lyrics.

" We are who we are."
"raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways"
"We are the dream, no other way to be."
"This is the way that we love, like it's forever. To live the rest of our life, but not together."
"I confess, you are the best thing in my life."

"You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine,
just own the night like the Fourth of July"

I am at that point in my life where I know what I have to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.
The rest of my life seems to be only a few short months away.
I know what has to be done. I know what classes I have to take and the effort I am going to have to put in,
but I can't.

Really, all I want to do is be a teenager. You know, the whole "live it up" shindig.
I love that saying. Live it up. We are always trying to live it up.

So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways,
all my underdogs, we we will never be, never be anything but loud
and nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass
just come on and come on and raise your glass
for me.

Live like you were dying.

I am about to blow let out a lot of steam.
First, can we talk about how sad it is that I actually had to change that because of the bad thoughts that came into my head?
I am so ashamed.

WARNING: I know I talk about ringette a lot. But a lot of the time, that is all I have to talk about, sooo.. Beware. Ringette talk coming up.

First game without you. And I miss you terribly.
I almost find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one though.
"I feel like one day I am just going to walk in and they are all going to be there."
"I know hey? I feel like this is just temporary and I'm gonna be back with STEE soon. it just doesn't feel the same =( "
"our manager asked me who my team was last year and i was like... last year? oooh haha right. STEE FTW!"

It's hard, it really is. No, I didn't expect to win that game. Quite the opposite, in fact. I knew perfectly well that we were not going to win. But I still expected more than what I saw. Everyone keeps telling me that the team we played was REALLY good, and they are. But really? Not being able to stab the ring even when you had no pressure on you? Sweet jesus. At least the first year A's got a little taste of what this season is going to be like.
I know it won't be the same as last year. It's still hard going from being the team that owns everyone by 8 goals to the team is being owned by 8 goals.

So glad I have you two there to understand what I am feeling and to cry with me. ♥

Though I am extremely disappointed that we won't get together next weekend with roo.
Silly boo and her internshipness.
Silly me looking forward to it so much.

I don't know what to think about it.
Also, I am getting rather annoyed, because I get on the computer and am all, I have a lot to blog about right now! And then I get to actually blogging and it comes out in about what sentence.
I mean, who is interested in reading just one sentence that barely explains anything? Not I.

I have this one point of time during the day where my brain seems to go crazy.
It's right after I wake up. I feel like my brain feels like it needs to make up for the time that it wasted not thinking while I was sleeping. Because things rush through my head at a hundred miles per hour. It almost hurts.
What ALWAYS happens, is that when I get up to take a shower, I get a random song stuck in my head. It usually does not relate to anything that I was thinking about.

English class is making me think FAR too much. I don't like it, because nonsense keeps pouring out of my brain.

I am being smited. What have I done to deserve this, I wonder?

Grade 12, please end.
Thank you.

I am strangely stoked for school.
I bet it lasts a week. Probably not even.

I LOVE September, I have realized.
I know, right now you are thinking I am crazy.
But September is probably my busiest month out of the whole year.
And everyone knows I am happiest when I am busy.

:D

Blah.

Forward Motion.

Today was one of those days where no matter how good of a mood I was in to begin with, my emotions were destined to take a turn for the worst.
These days have been going by far too fast.

"You and I were friends from outer space, afraid to let go."

What happens when this summer ends? My one reason to see some of the people I love most dearly will cease to exist. And then what? We go our separate ways, never to see one other again?

And then where will I be?

I know where I am now. Trapped, feeling like the moment to plan the rest of my life has come, and I am not ready.
At least I know what I want to do. I have figured out that much. It is just getting there that is the hard part.

But then I think about the future. All I see is people updating their status's (statusi?) and saying things like, "GOT ENGAGED (for real, this time)", or "I AM HAVING A BABY (also for real this time)".
And I wonder.
Will we still be friends by then?

I truly hope so.

There were things that were a part of my life last year that I barely took notice to. Now, the people who were a part of these things are going to be moving on, so they will not be there anymore.
The smiles I got every time they saw me. Our jokes about holding open the door for one another. Going to subway together at lunch.

I miss you already.
I am terrified to move forwards.

HOW excited am I for all these movies?! SO excited!!

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
2. Secretariat
3. Voyage of The Dawn Treader
4. Legend of the Guardians (don't judge. It was my favourite book series when I was like, 8)
5. The Hunger Games
6. Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides

AHHHHHHHHHHH.
I had to get that out.

You know those times, where you think of something and it gives you a positive feeling, and then something happens, and then you think of it, and you are like "ew"?
Like with pugs. I mean, before, I would think of a pug, and go, "oh. that's nice".
But then at Superdogs I saw a pug throw up and a rottweiler ate it. Not the pug. The puke.
So now when I think of pugs, I'm like, "oh, ew."
My ushers understand me.

HA. I am exhausted. Really getting tired of 15 hour days.

There are little buggies on the computer screen.

You know those times when you have two things that remind you of each other, but that wouldn't make sense to anyone else? Like, for example, DIGIMON and BARENAKED LADIES. I have no idea why I felt the need to type that in capital letters. But that is besides the point. SO. In the digimon movie, the song "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies plays. FUNNY, because guess who played at the Stampede this year? BON JOVI. Just kidding, but actually he did. My point being that Barenaked Ladies played. I had forgotten this, the day that they played. Which was odd, because the night before, guess what I dreamt about? DIGIMON. And I hadn't thought of either in FOREVER.

Shutting up now.

I have 58 posts at this point of time. This makes 59.

I am about to share with you a list of things that drives me insane. Beware.

1. People who chew with their mouths open.

I had a dream about Where's Waldo the other day. The following night my dreams were starred by Clifford the big red dog.

2. Watching sports that have no flow.
3. People who ALWAYS think they are right.
4. People who leave a mess and don't clean up after themselves.
5. My irrational fear of moths.
6. My internet being slow.
7. People who can't figure out that you really don't need to fill the silence around me.
8. People who constantly take other peoples food.
9. People who start talking to you about something interesting but don't reply back when you do.

I really need to stop getting up at 11:00am.

According to my sister and mother, my hair is lacking it's usual sheen.
This concerns me on a number of levels.
What am I without my shiny hair?!

According to some protesters on the news, the RCMP in Toronto are carrying shot guns.
WRONG. They are tear gas guns. God, get it right.

According to my schedule, I don't get to skate again until the third quarter of July. Which pretty much means my one source of physical activity no longer exists in my life. Not good.

According to my ears, I hear a clock ticking, but there are no clocks to be found.

According to this error message, my computer is still broken. Oh well.

According to Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them, Hogwarts is in Scotland.
You learn something new every day.

How is it possible that one can feel so much pain, but so much love at the same time?

I used to say that I was writing the book of love, because legitimately, I am writing a book that is full of what love is to people.
But I was wrong. Sherrill Bakke wrote the book of love.
In loving memory.

Love can bring people together. Prove how strong love really is.

Cherish every moment of every day. Never be ungrateful for the life that you live. Because you never know when something could happen, that could change your life for good. You never know when you are going to lose someone you love.

How does the world keep spinning, when it feels like nothing will ever be the same?

The times of men and angels.

"Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision.
The ability to direct individual accomplishment toward organizational objectives.
It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results."

Today, for a few moments, the world stops turning.
Hearts were broken today. Souls shattered.
And people all over were silent. Not believing what they heard.

It's unfair, how it seems as though the kindest people are taken away.
It seems far too soon. Knowing how they have touched the world.
Changed it for the better.

It's a feeling shared by so many. I remember seeing with my own eyes how it brought people, who hardly knew each other together.

I remember us all giving in money to buy the family tickets, so they could spend some time together.
I remember us crying and hugging.

I remember you being there for us when we needed support the most. Even though you were sick, you were there. Cheering us on.

Love you, mama Bakke. You will never be forgotten here, I promise.
May you always rest in peace.

How is it possible that Monday has become my favourite day of the week?
Is saying, "I can't wait till monday" far too strange?

Also, two words;
Things change.

There was a line that Mercedes said in Glee last night that is really getting to me.
"You're not angry. You're hurt."
that is exactly how I feel right now.

The strangest question that I have ever been asked is when a friend asked me how the weather was in the room I was currently sitting in.
A little humid. I feel as though a breeze is trying to get through the mesh on front door, but has been quite unsuccessful as of so far.

This ruhm is humid.

I don't know how to explain this pad that vibrates and massages my back without making it sound rather dirty.
But it makes me feel much better. It has made my day. Very good.
Fuck, that sounded dirty.
Sorry, I just said a dirty word.
I'm hopeless.

Sometimes, I wish there was someone to talk to that could understand.

I love you terribly, deeply, dearly.
And that's not enough.
And I'm not enough. I can't be enough. I was never enough.
Is forever enough?


These words unspoken.

Dream catcher.

I am answering two questions in one blog. Alright? Alright.
First,
"What do you like most about yourself?"

Very very subjective to what day it is and what sort of mood I am in.
If I am in a decent mood, chances are I am feeling pretty good about myself.

I like my hair at times. How it is naturally straight, and extremely shiny. How I get compliments a lot on it. I like my eyes. I like my back. If I had to chose a favourite body part, it would be my back. I don't know, I just appreciate it.I like my confidence, though that changes from time to time, as sometimes I see my confidence as just being conceited/cocky.I like that I am an athlete. I like that I am dedicated, though that sometimes causes some multiple problems for others. I like how intense I am. I like how I appreciate life. I like how people can touch my soul by simple acts of kindness. I like how sometimes I can make people laugh their asses off. I like how thoughtful I can be. I like how I can love. I like how sometimes I can be brave and do things that terrify me.

Wooooah wooah woah. Did anyone else notice that people either get one of two opinions of me?
Opinion 1) I'm this scornful intense person who doesn't portray emotions very well, etc.
Opinion 2) I'm this cute adorable caring person.
Maybe I am just a different person in different situations.
Wait, I definitely knew that already.

Anyways, moving on.
Question two,
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

Alone.
Bahahaha, not actually. I could see it though. I mean, at the moment, I do not think anyone could actually deal with me. But that could change.I don't really know a whole lot about my future.
Only that I will still be in Calgary. I absolutely adore this city, and have no desire at all to move. I see myself being a more mature person, able to face the world.

I am extremely mauvaise at answering these questions.
Franglais ftw.

I stopped expecting the unexpected. And guess what? The unexpected happened.
I apologize in advance to those who spend much time around me.
I've already noticed the changes that have occurred inside of me, and they are not very fun to have to deal with.
Maybe it is not a great idea that I am being put in charge of people at the Stampede this year. People who are going to be coming to me for guidance.
God help them.

On another note,
my parents are trying to re-teach me how to be polite.
And this fascinates me to some extent.

Typical. I'm sitting there, appreciating the thunderstorm,
when I realize there's just as much thunder inside as there is outside.
And my world crashes.

People tell me that the way I describe things makes me sound like I am in love.
I am not in love, I just know what love is.

Yesterday, I found out that my parents are becoming more and more like old people every day.
You know, those old people who refuse to accept change, no matter how logical it may be.
This change pertains to me growing up. Me being 17 and almost an adult.
But, so long as I am 17 and not quite an adult, my parents decide to exercise their last bit of power of me. Which is very unnecessary.
For example. My father sitting on the couch downstairs watching tv, and me upstairs doing my homework. In this case, he yells at me to get downstairs to feed our dog, which he could have done perfectly well on his own. I mean, the cupboard with the dog food is only ten steps away from the couch.
Sheer laziness.

Last night, I was lounging on my parents bed watching my sister play on the xbox.
My father comes in, and first stands there with his hands on his hips and looks around for about 3 minutes, as if he was looking for something to get mad at us for.
Then, as I get up to leave the room (RUHM), he stops me.
Father : "Are these the clothes that you wore to the mall today?"
Me : "Yes."
Father : "I don't want you laying on my bed with clothes that you have worn all day. Because quite frankly, that is disgusting."

WHAT THE FUCK?!
How is wearing clothes all day disgusting?
I am not 5, I am 17, therefore, I CAN resist the urges to roll on the ground at the mall.
Sweet jesus.

This ain't goodbye,
this is just where love goes
when words aren't warm enough
to keep away the cold.

Getting up is exhausting.
Taking time to do my hair to only have it ruined by the wet snow is exhausting.
Making the long journey to school is exhausting.
Having a little green stain on my AB sweater is exhausting.
My facebook freezing every time someone tries to chat with me is exhausting.
Just finding out that Randy (ex head usher) and Kaleigh (ex co-worker usher) are dating is exhausting.
Having the depression of WW2 blasted at me over and over is exhausting.
Being angry because a certain someone thinks that celebrating Voldemort's defeat is stupid, is exhausting.
Missing how life was is exhausting.
On that note, love is exhausting.
Living in Alberta and being proud every moment of it is exhausting.
Willing myself to work out every night is exhausting.
Going out places is exhausting.
Dreaming is exhausting.
I am exhausted.

Today, as I was sitting on the bus, I was listening to Kevin talk about how the universe never ends (due to a game on an iPod touch where you are a little creature that bounces and your objective is to get as high as possible. You never stop bouncing.)
And I looked up at the sky, and thought about how the universe never ends. You will never hit a dead end, no solid wall that stops you.
And then I thought about the sky, how vast it is.
And then I thought about how strange it is that there is so much space around us, yet we are so confined to these small portions of the earth.
Or rather mostly stuck on the ground.
I want to fly.

Time passes by.
Not fast enough.
Too fast.

Breathe deep.

According to dictionary.com, breathe is often confused for breadth.
Also, synonyms for breathe are puff, infuse, and inspire.

I am disgusted when I have to use my full name. It gives me the chills.

One month ago today.

Nothing matters, prides will shatter,
and our words will never be enough.

I love it when my dreams keep my happiness with me.
I hate it when I realize it's not real.

I do not understand how one person can take soo many pictures of herself.
Or rather, I do not understand how said person can bring herself to put them ALL on facebook.
Nevermind the fact that they are pretty much all of said person in the same position, making the same face.
I also do not understand why I feel the need to look at these pictures once there are more.
I do not understand.

Did I mention it feels good to be "a champion"?
It really does. But it wears off after a while.
So it feels extremely odd when people congratulate me and say things like,
"your team must be amazing!" and "so your kinda a big deal, eh?"
Maybe it's because we haven't technically celebrated.
Silly parents not letting us have a good time because we had to get up at 5am.
That's okay.
I really don't know where this is going, so I'm going to stop talking.
Goodbye.

I love the simple things in life that can make me happy.
Such as one of my favourite book series from my childhood being turned into a movie.
:)

"And I know it's not too sexy that I'm singing about the blessings that we get when we give up ourselves for something good."

Pull myself together.

Pretty mess with a pretty voice,
humming in my ear, drowning out the worlds noise.
Such a pretty one, such a messed up one.

I once was lost, then I was found.
I want to make things better the second time around.
What a precious sound, hearing the words a second time around.

And how well you understand, as if I would back then,
how well they understand that's who I was not who I am.
And I'm not a perfect soul, and I'll fall again I know.

Stee.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and, it's been a long time since I've experience something that makes me so happy. That constantly makes me smile. That constantly makes me laugh.
Please don't take that away from me.

My need for them is so great, it causes me to be barely able to breathe right now.
When I think about tomorrow being our last day together, my heart aches.
I'm scared. I can't lose them, not yet.
I can't breathe. I need them.
Please don't take them away from me.

Some people see the glass as half empty, and others just have glasses.

I never met you, but I wish I had.
Today isn't the only day, but it is especially today that I see the lives you touched,
the lives who'd do anything to bring you back.
I can see how special you were. How much you meant to them.
I've never seen someone have such a huge impact on someone else's life.
But you did. And these things can never be undone.
Just like how you will never be forgotten.

So today, I grieve for the girl I never met. The girl I wasn't lucky enough to meet.

Life was too short for you, but God needed his angel back. He needed you to help him take care of all of us down here. I'm grateful that you are there when I can't be enough for my friends.
When I look at the stars I know you're up there, watching over them. And I'm grateful.
Thank you for keeping them safe.
RIP DBH.

It's great when you find a song that quite perfectly describes an aspect of your life.
For example. I've always believed in God. And that's not just because my sister is the churchobsessedhopingtobecomeaministersoshecanhelptheworld girl. Honestly, you don't know how many fits I've thrown about my parents trying to make me go to church.
But that's never really stopped me believing. Not until everything started falling apart, and I started praying for help. I stopped believing because when I needed help the most, things only got worse.
Second chances, God?
So, I stumbled across the new Starfield cd, which, by chance, was a top seller on itunes (Starfield, really? Since when do people other than me know about them?), and the song Rediscover you.

I need to just admit, my faith is paper thin.
I'm feeling so burned out on religion.

I say an empty prayer, I sing a tired song.
I need to just admit the passion's gone.

And I want to get it back.

You told me, look for you and I will find.
So I'm here, like I'm searching for the first time.
Revive me, Jesus make this cold heart start to move.
Help me rediscover you.

Is that possible?

Someone should sing me "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" right now, or else they are going to miss their chance.
Right now, the number seventeen is making me feel old.
But tomorrow will come, and just as every other year, I will feel no different.
And then, it will be exactly one year until I turn 18.
The world should be frightened.

And I'm inspired.

I wonder what happened to you.

I wonder what happened to the person who lived for others. Who lived for those random acts of kindness that made our days. Who earned our love by how much you cared.

What changed?

I used to catch glimpses of the old you here and there. Not quite the same as before, though they were still there. But not anymore.
I think it's sad that I saved those messages to keep as proof. To help me believe that you still love me, especially when you seem like you forget I exist.
Yes, shit happened last year. But that's not the fault of these people who you are affecting now. They have done nothing but been there for you, and you continue to let them down and treat them like shit.

I'm tired of always being there for you and you never being there. I'm tired of you choosing certain times to talk to me, then never talking to me all the other times.
I sometimes hear from other people that you were talking about me. Saying that I mean a lot to you. It would have been nice if you could have said that to my face.

I don't understand you. I understood when you would tell me that you had problems, but you didn't want me to worry about it and get me involved. What I don't understand is now you actually do need me? How suddenly now, you expected me to be there.
Apparently you wanted to see me. But I couldn't be there. And now it's like you've dropped off the face of the earth. Deceiving, lieing to the people who have always been there for you.

There are people out there who fucking love you. You have to remember that you mean something to them. You have to remember what they mean to you.
Because if you don't start remembering that, you are going to loose them. And me.

I hate how
I really think about what I am saying before I say it around certain people.
If texting, I text it out, erase a part, add a part, erase the whole message and start over. I then delay sending it in fear of it sounding stupid. After I send it, I fear not getting a response at all.
I hate how certain words that aren't meant to upset me do.
I hate how I try too hard.

I love how
much I missed you, and that you are coming home tomorrow.
my birthday is in a week.
I have a whole weekend of ringette.

I believe.

I think,

It has been a very long time since I have wanted something so bad.
I think it would be okay if it were actually up to me; I could work hard to achieve it.
But it's not. I have to depend on many others for it to happen.
I know they can do it.
So why am I having such a hard time believing in them?

:)

You don't even understand how excited I was when the lady who makes the announcements at Abe said "Ruhm". Made my day.
Jodie, your ruhm senses better me tingling next time.

Seasons of love.

So much happens in February. Groundhogs day, Valentines day (also known as Twyla's birthday), my sister's birthday (20th, OMG), my birthday. But even so, February, at least for the past few years, has never been a good month for me. I really hope that changes. I have so much going on this month, and if things don't go my way, I'm going to fall again. I really don't want to go back there.

And,

I think they love me too.
But that just makes this feeling worse.

Sunday.

I am extremely glad I went to Brianna's 18th last night. What a good time.
I have a suggestion. Do not chug a Smirnoff Ice. It makes you feel really dizzy. True story.

If I'm not allowed to talk about it, you shouldn't be either.

I don't like this mixture of feelings. On one had, it surrounds me, people talking about it and being involved, so I want to be included. But then experiencing it is another thing, that still scares me.

That is all.

ps.

I've been corrupted due to some very corrupting influences which I spend most of my time around.
Exhibit A:
Becca is sitting at her computer reading on of those questionnaire things that people used to put in their blogs on nexopia/in notes on facebook.
She reads the question, "Can you blow a bubble?"
She comments to herself, "I can blow a hell of a lot more than a bubble."
Bad Becca. Bad.

Somebody else.

You want to know what songs are really important/relate to my life right now, and why they relate to my life?
Yeah you do.

Forgiven - Skillet.
"Forgive me I'm ashamed, I've loved another."
Unless you really don't know me, you'll be able to figure out that one. A hint is that I have a best friend whom I adore. Another is that I've met a whole bunch of new people this year. 1+1=2.

It's Your Life - Francesca Battistelli
"It's your life, whatcha gonna do? The world is watching you."
That's how I feel about my life. I feel that, if I make one little mistake, my world is going to come crashing down. I feel like everything I do is judged, and I have to remember that it really isn't.

5 Years Time - Noah and The Whale
"5 years time, we might not speak."
This song has two meanings. One, it's just one of those generally happy songs, introduced to me by Jodie Gordon on the way to ringette. Therefore, this song makes me think of ringette. And happiness.
Two, I still haven't completely gotten over something that Molli said, "I was ready for this to last for a while.." pertaining to our fight. That kills me. And it shows me how easily they were ready to not really be friends with me anymore. I'm scared of that. I guess it's stuck with me, making me feel quite uneasy about our friendship.

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North.
Sometimes, they forget how much I love them.
And the others just don't know how much I love them.

The Fight - The Rocket Summer
"This is how you made me, to fight the fight and keep on fighting."
This song talks about being abandoned. And truthfully, that's how I felt for a while. I felt as if certain friends of mine figured I was fine because of the change in my life, and the new people that I met. And I wasn't. But because of it, I just tried harder to be accepted. And I was.

Somebody Else - Hawk Nelson
"I used to be somebody else."
I've always loved this song. Listening to it makes me realize I've changed. But most of it is for the better. I think I've become a much smarter person, as well as someone who doesn't shit a brick at the thought of an oral assignment. Sometimes, it hurts, because people have expected me to become someone, and therefore have started thinking me to be that person. But I'm not.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand."
No one really understands me. I don't even understand me. And that's frustrating. Extremely.
"I just don't want to miss you tonight."
I'm tired of wishing I was somewhere else, and it being all I can think about. I don't want to be this dependant on something I know I am going to loose soon.

It's your life.

This is the moment, it's on the line.
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life, whatcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who
your heart beats for.
It's an open door.
It's your life.

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest,
Always waiting for someone else to fix you.
Tell me, when did you forget?

It's your life, whatcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who
your heart beats for.
It's an open door.

To live the way that you believe
this is your opportunity
to let your life be the one that lights the way.

Attention and brownies.

I am a complete sucker for attention. It could quite easily control me.
Like today, they gave me attention. It wasn't even necessarily the best attention to begin with, more of like I was their new victim. But it was attention, nonetheless, and I was happy.
The things that they include me in aren't me. So why do I like it? Because I want to be better friends with them, and I want them to accept me. And this, in my eyes, is accepting me.
Is it sad that I hope it continues?
Also, I am a sucker for brownies. Bake me brownies and you win my heart.

Multi-tasking.

I've recently learned that I am not very good at multi-tasking. Or rather, I'm not very good at thinking about two different things at one time. This causes the unfortunate event of my brain to stop working, and a really confused/empty look makes it's way onto my face.
It's quite sad, really.

Parents and technology.

Today is one of those days that I really wish my mom knew how to use technology properly.
Because of her inability to read this spread sheet properly, I am faced with MAJOR disappointment right now.
Not even kidding. So much for looking forwards to my tournament more.

The mysterious text message,

I awoke this morning a bit to early for my liking, due to my phone vibrating from a text message. It read:
"Yo, A friend gave me your numbr, and said we should hang out. Message me if youre interested"
Ha. Ha ha ha. Not really worth having to wake up for. So, while I was laying in bed, trying to fall back to sleep, I figured out a couple of reasons as to why I probably got this message.
1. My friends are trying to take this 5th wheel business in which I am constantly in to their own hands. Not probable, but possible.
2. The address in which this message was sent was an e-mail. It could have just been an automated message or something. Possible.
3. Some creep decided to be creepy. Probable.

Bad hair day.

I hate hair. Well, more of just my hair.
I appreciate that it's naturally straight, A LOT.
But the color is driving me insane. As of the past few months, the color isn't sticking to my hair, so within a week of dying it, unless I dye it too dark, it has gone back to this ugly orangey-redy brown color that I despise.
I personally blame the person who died my hair for the first time. I asked for a dark brown color, she gave me a reddy-brown. And that's what it keeps going to now.
My mother says the only way to fix it really would be to go back to my original hair color, being blond, and starting over.
But, I do not think I could handle having my hair blond again. I just don't.
I think it would be a shock to my system. Too much for me to handle.
Stupid hair.

#1, 2, 3

I don't feel good. But I'm not getting sick or anything.
It's more like my stomach is twisted into knots. Because of a lot of things.
Which are not just school, surprisingly. I have come to accept the fact that it is coming back, along with all the stresses, and there is nothing that I can do about it.
So bring it, school.

I suppose it start on Christmas Day. I appreciate everything I got. I didn't get anything to expensive, either. Which, actually, I am happy about. I didn't ask for anything expensive, so why get me something if you are not sure I am going to use it, and waste your money if I don't?
Even so, I felt as if I was missing something. Perhaps it's my grandfather, seeing as it was the first Christmas without him. But he was never around for Christmas, so surely it couldn't affect me that much, could it? Well, that and Grandma not really caring to talk to us, rushing off of the phone everytime we call.

Since that day, I have thought of small things each day that would get me through. For example, going shopping with my family on Monday. Ringette practise on Tuesday. Shopping on Wednesday. Party on Thursday/Friday. Ringette game/practise on Saturday.

I still feel empty though. I wonder if it's the distance between me and my friends.
Friend #1 : Affects me too much, what mood she is in. I don't think it's fair of her to keep getting frustrated and freaking out for a few moments, then being fine a little later and expecting us to be as well. I wish she would stop being so stubborn, sometimes.
Friend #2 : I miss the old her. The one that didn't party and what not. Her attitude towards more than just drinking and drugs has changed. I hate it. I know she's right in saying that me and friend #1 need to stop arguing, but it was harsh for her to get so mad over feelings that I can't help feeling.
Friend #3 : Laughs at things that I say, but as soon as the others say it isn't that funny, she agree's with them.

On New Years, they kept saying mean things about me, jokingly. But as soon as I started saying things back, it was of course I who was being the jerk.
I am going to stop talking about Stee around them. They know I love them, but they don't realize why I talk about them so much. They don't realize, no matter how many times I tell them, that I don't have anything else to talk about.
Also, I am going to stop caring about myself around them. Because apparently I do that too much.
And I'm going to have to deal with the jerkiness and frustration that comes out of Friend #1 when we all hang out. Because that's just the way she is, and it's not fair to ask her to change.

I need some chocolate.