I do not care that everyone has moved to tumblr. I do not want to. I do not want to become addicted to this computer.

I feel like writing about myself. Things that some people may know but not understand. I've had too much time to think lately, I guess that's what ten hour car rides does to you.

I'm quiet. I'm quiet because I'm shy, but mostly because I don't feel the need to fill the silences. Silence doesn't make me feel awkward, forced conversation does. I think this is why my sister and I are so good for each other. Whereas she never stops talking, when we are with people I am allowed to just sit there and listen. And think about what is being said.

I love tim hortons. I always get an ice cap, unless it's freezing outside, in which case I get a hot smoothie. I do not like their coffee or their hot chocolate. I pronounce hortons with emphasis on the t. Or I just call it tims. I don't love tims so much as I love it when I am with the ringette girls. It feels almost wrong being there without them, because it's our place to hang out and talk about everything and anything. Tims is one of those places where we can show up after ringette, smelly, wearing sweat pants with our hair up, and people won't give a shit.

I'm extremely self conscious, especially as of lately. I would like to lose weight. I'm glad that's something I can change, because I also want to be taller, but I can't change that. When I stand by myself in public, I fret that people are looking at me, that somethings out of place; a tag sticking out, my hair out of place, my fly undone. I HATE it when my skin breaks out, I think it is the most unattractive thing for me. I wish my eyes were as dark as my sister's.

There was one thing that I was confident about myself with, and that was ringette. And somehow, over the summer, even that is gone. I'm terrified I won't make the university team. I'm worried I'm not good enough.

I don't like children. I don't like how much the world has changed, how people don't raise their children well in fear of "child abuse". In which case, children run wild. They have no sense of personal space, of boundaries, of when they are wanted. They feel as though they are superior to everyone else, as if the world revolves around them. They cry, they scream, they whine, they are brats. I have had too many dreams about me being pregnant lately, and it is rather disturbing.

I'm a nervous passenger. About half a year ago I saw a car accident happen right in front of our car, and although it wasn't serious, ever since then I have been a wreck. If I freak out while you are driving... sorry.

I despise when people say they hate cops. Okay, yes I'm biased because my father was a cop. BUT if you don't break the law, the cops won't be a problem. If we didn't have cops the world would be chaos.

And not gonna lie, as of lately, I have also had too many experiences with guys flirting with me, and I do not wish to be a part of any of it. My best friend's cousin, my other best friend's ex... too much. No, I do not want to be your one night stand. Thanks though.

I hate it when people change their profile picture too often, although I think I don't change mine enough.

I really want to make a scrapbook of me with all my friends.. But it's so much effort.

Most girls have a shoe thing... I definitely have a coat thing. I love coats.

I would like a seahorse for a pet.

I kinda hate how I've turned my blog into something that I only write on when I am experiencing negative feelings. And I'm usually only blogging about one negative feeling, or rather situation.

So first I am going to blog about how I went camping this weekend in Banff and it was lovely. It was lovely how we had planned to go sit on a patio and have draaanks but I forgot my id in Calgary. Luckily we were able to find a patio where the waiters did not care enough to id me, so I still got to have my margarita and long island iced tea ( I have found that at the moment this is my drink of preference). Then on Sunday night I drove the jag all the way back to Calgary from Banff, and this was quite the adventure. Which followed by attending an 18th birthday party where I was surrounded by guys that I did not know. And just guys. Perfect.

I'm really disliking work too. My boss is making me take two seven hour shifts every week rather than three five hour shifts which rather annoys me. Standing in the intensely hot dry cleaners with not a lot to do for five hours is one thing. Doing this with two extra hours is not fun at all. Mostly I'm annoyed because I get there, work for about two hours, then work on and off for the next two hours, which is followed by me sitting in the back with nothing to do except feel bad that I'm not doing anything. Whatever, at least I'm making money I guess.

I'm also rather annoyed because I have no idea what the situation is with ringette anymore, and I may not even have a chance of playing for the U of C team as according to the coach, the team is pretty much set. Which sucks for me because I let myself assume I would be on this team, and I can't see myself doing anything else. So I'm not sure what to do at this point.

On top of that, if I do stand a chance, I really need to get in shape. Which sucks because up until about yesterday, I was relying on the personal trainer that a few friends and I were debating getting to help us get back in shape. Apparently this plan did not go over well with the collective and it is now out the window, leaving me to get back into shape by myself. Quite a feat, and I'm not sure how I can accomplish this. I can't even bring myself to have my protein drink everyday, let alone work out.

I got my final acceptance to university though, which was followed by my diploma marks. I didn't do as well as I had hoped, which amuses me because if I had gotten these marks as my finals last year, I would have been thrilled. So I have deemed them acceptable. It really doesn't matter to me as much now, as I am in university anyways.

Even so, university scares me. I attended the university orientation with one of my ringette friends, which was comical because she is two years older than I am and has been attending uni for two years now, though at mount royal. Anyways, it's just odd to be in a school situation with a ringette friend. It was rather pointless to be honest. I didn't follow the tour very well, at any point of time even though they were telling us where we were, I didn't have a clue. The only time I was sure I knew where I was was when were in the Kines department. Which I suppose is good, because it's pretty much going to be my home next year.

The thought of classes scared me. Learning theory then practicing the theory. Early mornings. I have this feeling that with some of the Kines classes I took I'm going to have to be actively involved in activities, which is not my forte. I have decided I'm gonna have to deal with it though. Probably not well, but I'll deal. It was strange though, that walking through the rest of the campus freaked me out, but I was so calm when I was in the Kines department, so sure that I would be able to handle it. I guess that's just who I am, a sports person all the way.
Except for when we have to look at cadavers in anatomy. Not stoked for that. Steph tells me she saw a cadaver who had their nails painted and it was the scariest thing ever. Ick.

I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm not really sure if BC has changed or what, but I can't figure out why about 75 percent of my friends AND family are moving there. Everything's a mess. But not only that. Please take a moment to reminisce on when Lyndsay and Ryan broke up and the universe was in total chaos. Yes, this has happened again with different people.
You see, in the ringette dating system, people are together a looooong time. So long they become couples that I am so sure are going to get married. Maggie and Brady, Carly and Jeremy, Steph and Jarett, Michelle and Dan.
So really a surprise when I found out Michelle and Dan broke up. Because I'd never heard anything bad about him. But this was a few months ago, so I got used to it. But today I learned that Maggie and Brady broke up, and this was literally shocking. Well not literally. But I couldn't believe it. I know that no one else would care about this, I just wanted to get it out haha.

So today I watched Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids. Or something like that. It's new I think. And people are crazy bitches. Sheeeesh. But then I realized how much I want to attend a wedding. So it kinda made me really happy when Carly said I could be a bridesmaid at hers. That may not be for a while though.

Which brings me to the end. I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends today.

I'm really disliking Vancouver because it's taking the people I love from me.

These things that I've tried to keep away are taking over.

Things that I've tried to deny for so long. I wanted to pretend they weren't true.

But now even the little hope I've had is disappearing.

I thought I had more time. I thought I had a couple of months. The whole summer.

But one month? 30 short days, and then you'll leave forever?

It's not the same as with my school friends. While they are leaving too, I know they'll come back. Their home will still be here.

Yours won't. You're going there to make a life. To live there. To never come back.

And I'm losing a best friend.

you know it's time to say goodbye.

I'm really tired of feeling like this.

"Goodbye my friend.

I know you're gone, you said you're gone, but I can still feel you here.

It's not the end,

you gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear.

So glad we made it,

time will never change it."

Yup, me connecting to a spice girls song. Woah.

I'm having an emotional Spice Girls night and basking in their greatness.

Thoughts that buzz

12 times. 12 months in a year. 12 more experiences. 12 heartaches.
2 hearts.

When people lie to me, I am more than just angry. I am amused. Lying seems so simple now, so accustomed to people. We seem to believe that people will never figure out our lies, so we think nothing of it. False hope, someone always figures it out.
I think it's funny when people lie to me. Of course I'm angry, hurt, whatever. But I also find it funny, because I know that they are lyng. People seem to forget that I have a stellar memory, and they don't expect me to remember small details they told me once upon a time. I do. I always remember. I remember things so well that it actually scares me when I can't remember something.

I miss you, and I've thought about you every day that you have been gone. I'm glad you haven't forgotten about me.

I've missed out on some experiences. A lot, actually. Some good, some bad. I never thought I would have experienced so little by this point.

I thought high school was going to be different.

Grad is like Christmas. There is so much building up to it, then after one day it's over.

It's time to say goodbye.

I learned yesterday that you can think that you can stop loving someone, but you can't.

"I won't let you close enough to hurt me"

But I did.

For the past three years we've barely talked, and it made me angry. Angry because the reason we barely talked was you. You and your unreliability. Stage four non-replier to text messages. All the times you blew off seeing me. All the times you would make me hope, and all the times you would let me down. I hated it, I hated what you did to me.

So for the past year or so, I decided I was rather unhappy with you. After all the times I forgave you, I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't think you deserved my friendship. Even so, the rare times that you actually did talk to me, of course I replied. Why? Because one time you asked me to promise you that I would never leave you. And I never break my promises.

Now you're the one who's leaving. Moving thousands of miles away. Leaving everything you know behind. I guess this is what happens when people grow up.

So you had a party. A get together where you could be surrounded by people who were there to see you, to say goodbye. Surrounded by friends, by people who care. And even though I was still unhappy with you and all that you had done to me, I showed up. I really don't think that for a moment you doubted that I would.

It was amusing, in a way. I watched as you said goodbye to so many people, and say that they would have to come visit you, or you would come back to visit. Apparently this seemed quite realistic, because it seemed to cheer them up slightly. I know better though, and you knew I knew better. Because when you came over to talk to me, you told me this was the last time you would ever see me, and I knew this was true.

Yet, you confused me. Just when I thought I had you figured out. I've known you for 10 years. I've known you since you were 9 years old, where you dressed like a boy and had a faux hawk. We've been good friends for a long while, we've been through a lot together. And I thought I knew you.

But last night, when my group of friends started to leave and you were saying goodbye to each of them individually. You hugged them each and said a few nice things. Like you'd been saying all night, you told them all to come and visit you. I played along. Looking back, I don't know why you lied to them. You'll never see them again, how could you lie? Don't you owe it to them to at least tell them the truth? And how could I let you do it, and in fact, help you lie to them?

And then you hugged me. I felt like it was one of those moments that you only see in movies, because I thought about all that we had done together. 10 years ago. The first time I met you, and I thought you were a boy. The bright wigs you would always wear. 4 years later, quirky yet one of the most caring people I knew. You bought a lobster. You told me your secrets, because you wanted to show me I could trust you. 2 years later, when we drew in permanent marker on your car. We went to the Hannah Montana movies, dressed up in shirts that we made ourselves, looking like her biggest fans. Another few years later, when just seeing you in the hallway at school would cheer me up. To now, saying goodbye forever.

I thought about how I was grateful that it was dark. I was embarrassed that I had started crying, and I didn't want you to see. I had thought that I had stopped caring about you this much because of the distance that had grown between us. I thought that you had stopped caring. So when you pulled away from me, put your head in your hands and started breaking down, you surprised me. Supplies, you still care.

And this made me remember how much I love you. You did not cry the entire night, but you did after you said goodbye to me. And still, you made sure to hug me again and tell me that you love me. Something that I had not heard for a long time. It was all I could do through the tears to make sure I returned those words.

I didn't fail to notice I was the only one that you said that to.

What does this mean?


How do you deal with letting go of someone you love forever?

How do you say goodbye for forever?

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

" Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
and breathe"

How am I supposed to feel about this? How is anyone supposed to feel about anything?

I trusted you, I respected you. You were my friend. I don't want to believe it, but I have to.

How could this have happened?

Your face in a place where it doesn't belong. Being showed to a world for a reason that it shouldn't, because of a stupid thing that you did. You fool.
You're going to be exiled. They'll never accept you, they'll never look at you as they once did. You'll never be allowed to be a part of our family again.

How could this feel for you? They were everything to you. This is your life, and it is all going to be taken away. Was it worth it?

"Breathe, just breathe"

Your responsible for him too. Because of you, people won't accept him either. We meant the world to him. We mean the world to him. He loved us, would do anything for us. And he will never be able to come back either.

You hear things like this on television all the time, but you think nothing of it. You can't understand because it hasn't happened to you. You shake it off, make snide comments about these people who have wronged. But when it happens to someone you know, you don't know how to react. You refuse to believe that it's true, because you know this person. Or at least, you thought you knew them. But still, you feel.. sad. This is your friend, someone you care about. And these people, people who have never met them, who don't know them like you do, are telling everyone that they are a bad person, that they are a criminal.
How are you supposed to deal with that?

" There's a light at the end of this tunnel,
You shout, cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again.
If you'll only try turning around..."

love doesn't come with a contract

It's funny how with friends, you are able to do the most ridiculous things without a second thought. Things that if you saw other people do, you would think that they were complete idiots. But with you and your friends, it's just downright fun. It can be something so simple, but it makes you so happy. You make me happy, you make me smile, you make my day. You make me not afraid to be myself. "Baby, I'm in"

love you always.

I am SO stoked for tonight. I'm such an alcoholic. Sad truth.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.

The broken lights on the freeway have left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now, I haven't forgotten my way home.

School. Work. Homework. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Study. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Study. Stress about exams. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Study. Stress about exams. Lose all control over my emotions. Sleep.
School. Work. Homework. Don't finish homework. Study. Stress about exams. Lose all control over my emotions. Become too tired to function. Sleep.

FUHGOIHRPEWKPKJTN"KSJSF:JGRPEIWKDMNFBRHEWOJOSKALMDNKFBREHQOWJKSLADMNFSGBRWHE
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL.


^ angst.

Do what you love, love what you do, and achieve more than you promise.

It was fate.

Sometimes in life we find we are good at something. Whether it be a sport, a hobby or whatever. This often becomes what we do, it defines who we are.

I call this fate.

This is what guides us through life.

It's also what brings us down.

"With the sound of the train that I should have been on, reminding me that the last one's gone. With you, it's always midnight"

I must pull myself together, this is a brand new day

"The keys are in your reach but not in your hands"

Life.

I had to get a sinus infection when I needed it the least. When I needed to be healthy enough to attend school because I have already missed so much this semester. And I got a sinus infection rendering me incapable of attending school. Fuck off.

I'm rather behind now.

I am also running out of money due to me going out. Alcohol is fucking expensive.

I can't help it. One year ago today was the day that I consider to be the greatest day of my life. Yet here I am, one year later, and I am crushed.

Please please please please please please take me with you. I'll do anything.

And please don't leave me. :(

I just had one of those moments where I realized what all of us getting older means.
Right now, it means people moving away to go to university in like August or something.
Waaah.
Brraah
Briing.
Sorry. I've gotten into the habit if making noises that apparently sound like yoshi lately.

So last night was wicked. I had sooo much fun going out.
Sadly, this causes today to be rather dull.
Mostly because I can't stop thinking about last night, which annoys me.
I am not hungover, so I can't occupy my time nursing that.
I am legit bored. I had a really long nap, but at some point you have to tell yourself to stop being so lazy and get up off of your ass. Which I have done so.
But now I am at a loss about what to do. I don't really want to do anything at all.
But I don't want to sit around and do nothing either.

I hate the day after an event that you have really been looking forward to.
Because the excitement is over, and now.. What is there to look forward to?

100th post on 18th birthday woooooooooo!!
Seeeeew embarassing having complete strangers watch me take a muff dive.
UP!

No explanation necessary.

I hate change, no matter what shape or form it comes in.
I had a scary thought today. In a month from now, my season will most likely be done.
There is the chance that my team can make it to Westerns.. but really? I have doubt.
There is a chance that whatever team makes it to Westerns will pick me up. But really?
There is a chance that I can go with my juniors and coach them.. But really? It wouldn't be as fun, watching instead of playing.

I fear the other North team becoming Team Alberta. They've been winning everything.
VIVA won everything last year, but they didn't even make it to provincials. Had they, would things have been different? Sync is already in provincials. Who's to stop them from winning?

One of the reasons why I fear the other North team becoming Team Alberta is that I know they won't pick me up. While it's true I get along with every single one of their players.. Let's face it, they have 8 defence, as I am constantly told by their players. They won't need another.

The other reasons is that.. It's not supposed to be like this. Belle A isn't special anymore, not with half of these girls here. Because they don't belong here. They aren't good enough. But because we lost all of the good players, we had to take someone to fill the spaces.
Last year, when I made Belle A my first year, it was a big deal. I had people congratulating me left, right, and center. Belle A used to be amazing. People used to know my name just because I made it. People who I'd never met in my entire life. But they knew who I was.

This year, it's just another level. It's lost it's novelty.

And Team Alberta will loose it's novelty if Sync makes it. Sure, I have really good friends on that team that I would be very happy for.. But there are some people that, if the universe had not been in chaos, would never have made it.

Not only that, but they are so cocky about it.. It's unnecessary.

Team Alberta will loose it's novelty. It won't be something special anymore.
Those girls don't deserve to represent Alberta. They don't deserve to wear the awesome dark blue jerseys, a name bar with their last name, and ALBERTA worn upon their back. They don't deserve to sing the Team Alberta song (which they may not, because none of them know it, and I certainly don't plan on teaching them). They don't deserve to carry the Alberta flag out onto the ice and represent our province. They don't deserve to have the stands absolutely packed with supporters.
None of this.

Watching this happen would pull me to pieces.

Please don't let this happen. Please don't ruin Team Alberta.
Anyone but them.

What the hell.

I'm pathetic.

Nothing seems to be going right.

I have just realized I have very attractive friends.

I thought you should know.

Me in a dress and high heels is dangerous.
I laugh in the face of danger.
Hahahahah.

Not actually though. I more of laugh at how odd I look.
I'm not really a dress person... at all.

And me being the muscular person I am, when it comes to putting on a dress..
They don't go together!!

Grad is going to be interesting.

That is all.

It's two days into the new semester, and I am already overwhelmed.
Having five cores kinda sucks.
What's weird is that the classes aren't even that bad yet. I mean, there's that french poem that I really don't want to have to deal with, and social class is always tough to deal with, but other than that, things aren't bad.
I am just really really tired of school. Already. Still?

Being in the middle of things also sucks.

... Yip.

"A heart at rest is harder now,
don't let it go away.
Hard earned pay, or hard earned pain,
right now they're just the same.
What's the use, why work so hard
when it's not what you crave
when what you need is love."

A year ago I was happy.

I don't know what to think right now.

I should probably be thinking of things that I need to accomplish in the next little while.
Like writing Part B of my english diploma, and my math diploma.
Or getting a hair cut. My hair has gotten far too long and unmanageable.

Instead, I keep thinking about how I am wasting my time, trying to accomplish an impossible feat.

Trying to turn a bunch of non committed no effort downright B players into A players. Impossible.

Trying to turn a bunch of 14/15 years olds who really only think about boys and what not into passionate sports players.
Also impossible.

Everywhere I turn it's like I'm wasting my time.

Spending time with my own team, giving all that I am to obtain the same result that I always do: disappointment.
Possibly further injuring myself because I'm dedicated and I wanted us to win. Those games should have been wins, hands down. But because we suck, of course they weren't. It wasn't worth it. A fucking injured player shouldn't be playing better than most of the team. She shouldn't be getting player of the game. Does that tell you anything about how much you suck?

Spending time with my juniors, giving most of my free time in order to help them be successful, to obtain the same results: annoyance.
They are rather ungrateful. They have an amazing coach, who doesn't even have a daughter on the team, but dedicates his time to the team because they are from his hometown, and he wants to help. They have awesome assistant coaches, who live in Calgary and make the drive almost every other day out to Airdrie to help out with this team, because they are passionate about the sport, and because they can't play, this is the other option. Then they have four trainers, who aren't much older than them, who have teams of their own, as well as jobs, high school, university, etc, who ALSO make the drive all the way out to Airdrie almost every other day.
Yet they can't even give one hour of dedication and concentration to us.


That crushed feeling where everything is wrong and there is nothing I can do to make it better permanently lives in me.

MY DAY:
- Was pretty much going as fast as I can to get a two line pass ring (not to brag.. but that's fast). Was tripped by the girl who was chasing me. Went knee first slamming into the boards.

I remember what it was like to be able to walk.

my life. :(


I AM FOREVER A PISCES AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

It's sad that it takes the absence of someone from your life, or even just them getting hurt, to realize just how much they mean to you.

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song.
You can't believe it, you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat.

I think it is sad that I just started crying over three words.

In the midst of bad, you can always find some good.

I can't sing with them, but that doesn't mean I can't sing at all.Y

First off, I am SOO stoked that Hannah is turning 18 soon. It's kinda a scary thought, the first person out of our close group of friends to turn 18. Officially an adult. And can do all those adulty things that us 17 year olds can't.
But mostly I am stoked to give you your present.
Beware, it isn't G rated.

Speaking of which, I'm a little bit concerned. The girls who I help coach/train, they are all 14/15/16. And I'm pretty sure that like, none of them are virgins. Today at ringette, they informed me that whenever someone on the team has sex, the whole team gets Peter's. They said I could be included.
I'm stoked. Not on the fact that the people that I am coaching, who seem so much younger than me, even though they aren't really, are having sex.
But I am stoked that I get Peter's. Yum.

Once again, I am SO SO SO stoked for my birthday. Not because I'm turning 18 and I can legally get drunk out of mind. Or rather, other people can legally get me drunk out of my mind.
But because I know all of my family is going to come together to celebrate it.

Not only that, but I will get to spend one special night with the people who fill my heart.
Y

I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC.
Listening to country music is like being home.
It's the farm girl in me.

Sooo, 2011 came, and it's like I just exploded.

I can't explain how I am feeling, although I can say that it has nothing to do with the fact that it's a brand new year. In fact, I feel much the same, because I have spent the first few days of the new year doing the exact same things that I always do, the things that I had told myself that I was not going to do.

Through these actions, I have found that I am tired of being who I am, and I have found that the things I want in life have changed.
I have found I don't feel as if I belong with certain friends anymore. And I was utterly uncomfortable being with them until I was drunk. In which case I was fine. I have gotten into a bit of a bad habit of wanting alcohol to make my feelings go away. And we all know that is never good.
I have found that all I want to do is get through this month, or rather just this week.
I have found that when 11:11 comes around, I don't even know what to wish for anymore.
I have found that all I want to do is be 18 and go out.
I have found that I am constantly thinking about my flaws.
I have found that in constantly thinking about my flaws, my mind has not been on my monologue. God, how I don't want to do this fucking monologue.
I have found that I feel left behind, though at least for me, there was no way to avoid this.
I have found that I feel bad for the person I love who was left behind, but had a choice. And one of the reasons she stayed behind was me. And now she is unhappy.
I have found I rarely get excited anymore.

Well, that's not true. I am excited for jersey shore 3. Too stoked for that.