bonafide

Sooo, 2011 came, and it's like I just exploded.

I can't explain how I am feeling, although I can say that it has nothing to do with the fact that it's a brand new year. In fact, I feel much the same, because I have spent the first few days of the new year doing the exact same things that I always do, the things that I had told myself that I was not going to do.

Through these actions, I have found that I am tired of being who I am, and I have found that the things I want in life have changed.
I have found I don't feel as if I belong with certain friends anymore. And I was utterly uncomfortable being with them until I was drunk. In which case I was fine. I have gotten into a bit of a bad habit of wanting alcohol to make my feelings go away. And we all know that is never good.
I have found that all I want to do is get through this month, or rather just this week.
I have found that when 11:11 comes around, I don't even know what to wish for anymore.
I have found that all I want to do is be 18 and go out.
I have found that I am constantly thinking about my flaws.
I have found that in constantly thinking about my flaws, my mind has not been on my monologue. God, how I don't want to do this fucking monologue.
I have found that I feel left behind, though at least for me, there was no way to avoid this.
I have found that I feel bad for the person I love who was left behind, but had a choice. And one of the reasons she stayed behind was me. And now she is unhappy.
I have found I rarely get excited anymore.

Well, that's not true. I am excited for jersey shore 3. Too stoked for that.