It's time to say goodbye.

I learned yesterday that you can think that you can stop loving someone, but you can't.

"I won't let you close enough to hurt me"

But I did.

For the past three years we've barely talked, and it made me angry. Angry because the reason we barely talked was you. You and your unreliability. Stage four non-replier to text messages. All the times you blew off seeing me. All the times you would make me hope, and all the times you would let me down. I hated it, I hated what you did to me.

So for the past year or so, I decided I was rather unhappy with you. After all the times I forgave you, I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't think you deserved my friendship. Even so, the rare times that you actually did talk to me, of course I replied. Why? Because one time you asked me to promise you that I would never leave you. And I never break my promises.

Now you're the one who's leaving. Moving thousands of miles away. Leaving everything you know behind. I guess this is what happens when people grow up.

So you had a party. A get together where you could be surrounded by people who were there to see you, to say goodbye. Surrounded by friends, by people who care. And even though I was still unhappy with you and all that you had done to me, I showed up. I really don't think that for a moment you doubted that I would.

It was amusing, in a way. I watched as you said goodbye to so many people, and say that they would have to come visit you, or you would come back to visit. Apparently this seemed quite realistic, because it seemed to cheer them up slightly. I know better though, and you knew I knew better. Because when you came over to talk to me, you told me this was the last time you would ever see me, and I knew this was true.

Yet, you confused me. Just when I thought I had you figured out. I've known you for 10 years. I've known you since you were 9 years old, where you dressed like a boy and had a faux hawk. We've been good friends for a long while, we've been through a lot together. And I thought I knew you.

But last night, when my group of friends started to leave and you were saying goodbye to each of them individually. You hugged them each and said a few nice things. Like you'd been saying all night, you told them all to come and visit you. I played along. Looking back, I don't know why you lied to them. You'll never see them again, how could you lie? Don't you owe it to them to at least tell them the truth? And how could I let you do it, and in fact, help you lie to them?

And then you hugged me. I felt like it was one of those moments that you only see in movies, because I thought about all that we had done together. 10 years ago. The first time I met you, and I thought you were a boy. The bright wigs you would always wear. 4 years later, quirky yet one of the most caring people I knew. You bought a lobster. You told me your secrets, because you wanted to show me I could trust you. 2 years later, when we drew in permanent marker on your car. We went to the Hannah Montana movies, dressed up in shirts that we made ourselves, looking like her biggest fans. Another few years later, when just seeing you in the hallway at school would cheer me up. To now, saying goodbye forever.

I thought about how I was grateful that it was dark. I was embarrassed that I had started crying, and I didn't want you to see. I had thought that I had stopped caring about you this much because of the distance that had grown between us. I thought that you had stopped caring. So when you pulled away from me, put your head in your hands and started breaking down, you surprised me. Supplies, you still care.

And this made me remember how much I love you. You did not cry the entire night, but you did after you said goodbye to me. And still, you made sure to hug me again and tell me that you love me. Something that I had not heard for a long time. It was all I could do through the tears to make sure I returned those words.

I didn't fail to notice I was the only one that you said that to.

What does this mean?


How do you deal with letting go of someone you love forever?

How do you say goodbye for forever?