A year ago I was happy.

I don't know what to think right now.

I should probably be thinking of things that I need to accomplish in the next little while.
Like writing Part B of my english diploma, and my math diploma.
Or getting a hair cut. My hair has gotten far too long and unmanageable.

Instead, I keep thinking about how I am wasting my time, trying to accomplish an impossible feat.

Trying to turn a bunch of non committed no effort downright B players into A players. Impossible.

Trying to turn a bunch of 14/15 years olds who really only think about boys and what not into passionate sports players.
Also impossible.

Everywhere I turn it's like I'm wasting my time.

Spending time with my own team, giving all that I am to obtain the same result that I always do: disappointment.
Possibly further injuring myself because I'm dedicated and I wanted us to win. Those games should have been wins, hands down. But because we suck, of course they weren't. It wasn't worth it. A fucking injured player shouldn't be playing better than most of the team. She shouldn't be getting player of the game. Does that tell you anything about how much you suck?

Spending time with my juniors, giving most of my free time in order to help them be successful, to obtain the same results: annoyance.
They are rather ungrateful. They have an amazing coach, who doesn't even have a daughter on the team, but dedicates his time to the team because they are from his hometown, and he wants to help. They have awesome assistant coaches, who live in Calgary and make the drive almost every other day out to Airdrie to help out with this team, because they are passionate about the sport, and because they can't play, this is the other option. Then they have four trainers, who aren't much older than them, who have teams of their own, as well as jobs, high school, university, etc, who ALSO make the drive all the way out to Airdrie almost every other day.
Yet they can't even give one hour of dedication and concentration to us.


That crushed feeling where everything is wrong and there is nothing I can do to make it better permanently lives in me.

MY DAY:
- Was pretty much going as fast as I can to get a two line pass ring (not to brag.. but that's fast). Was tripped by the girl who was chasing me. Went knee first slamming into the boards.

I remember what it was like to be able to walk.

my life. :(


I AM FOREVER A PISCES AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

It's sad that it takes the absence of someone from your life, or even just them getting hurt, to realize just how much they mean to you.

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song.
You can't believe it, you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat.

I think it is sad that I just started crying over three words.

In the midst of bad, you can always find some good.

I can't sing with them, but that doesn't mean I can't sing at all.Y

First off, I am SOO stoked that Hannah is turning 18 soon. It's kinda a scary thought, the first person out of our close group of friends to turn 18. Officially an adult. And can do all those adulty things that us 17 year olds can't.
But mostly I am stoked to give you your present.
Beware, it isn't G rated.

Speaking of which, I'm a little bit concerned. The girls who I help coach/train, they are all 14/15/16. And I'm pretty sure that like, none of them are virgins. Today at ringette, they informed me that whenever someone on the team has sex, the whole team gets Peter's. They said I could be included.
I'm stoked. Not on the fact that the people that I am coaching, who seem so much younger than me, even though they aren't really, are having sex.
But I am stoked that I get Peter's. Yum.

Once again, I am SO SO SO stoked for my birthday. Not because I'm turning 18 and I can legally get drunk out of mind. Or rather, other people can legally get me drunk out of my mind.
But because I know all of my family is going to come together to celebrate it.

Not only that, but I will get to spend one special night with the people who fill my heart.
Y

I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC.
Listening to country music is like being home.
It's the farm girl in me.

Sooo, 2011 came, and it's like I just exploded.

I can't explain how I am feeling, although I can say that it has nothing to do with the fact that it's a brand new year. In fact, I feel much the same, because I have spent the first few days of the new year doing the exact same things that I always do, the things that I had told myself that I was not going to do.

Through these actions, I have found that I am tired of being who I am, and I have found that the things I want in life have changed.
I have found I don't feel as if I belong with certain friends anymore. And I was utterly uncomfortable being with them until I was drunk. In which case I was fine. I have gotten into a bit of a bad habit of wanting alcohol to make my feelings go away. And we all know that is never good.
I have found that all I want to do is get through this month, or rather just this week.
I have found that when 11:11 comes around, I don't even know what to wish for anymore.
I have found that all I want to do is be 18 and go out.
I have found that I am constantly thinking about my flaws.
I have found that in constantly thinking about my flaws, my mind has not been on my monologue. God, how I don't want to do this fucking monologue.
I have found that I feel left behind, though at least for me, there was no way to avoid this.
I have found that I feel bad for the person I love who was left behind, but had a choice. And one of the reasons she stayed behind was me. And now she is unhappy.
I have found I rarely get excited anymore.

Well, that's not true. I am excited for jersey shore 3. Too stoked for that.