And,

I think they love me too.
But that just makes this feeling worse.

Sunday.

I am extremely glad I went to Brianna's 18th last night. What a good time.
I have a suggestion. Do not chug a Smirnoff Ice. It makes you feel really dizzy. True story.

If I'm not allowed to talk about it, you shouldn't be either.

I don't like this mixture of feelings. On one had, it surrounds me, people talking about it and being involved, so I want to be included. But then experiencing it is another thing, that still scares me.

That is all.

ps.

I've been corrupted due to some very corrupting influences which I spend most of my time around.
Exhibit A:
Becca is sitting at her computer reading on of those questionnaire things that people used to put in their blogs on nexopia/in notes on facebook.
She reads the question, "Can you blow a bubble?"
She comments to herself, "I can blow a hell of a lot more than a bubble."
Bad Becca. Bad.

Somebody else.

You want to know what songs are really important/relate to my life right now, and why they relate to my life?
Yeah you do.

Forgiven - Skillet.
"Forgive me I'm ashamed, I've loved another."
Unless you really don't know me, you'll be able to figure out that one. A hint is that I have a best friend whom I adore. Another is that I've met a whole bunch of new people this year. 1+1=2.

It's Your Life - Francesca Battistelli
"It's your life, whatcha gonna do? The world is watching you."
That's how I feel about my life. I feel that, if I make one little mistake, my world is going to come crashing down. I feel like everything I do is judged, and I have to remember that it really isn't.

5 Years Time - Noah and The Whale
"5 years time, we might not speak."
This song has two meanings. One, it's just one of those generally happy songs, introduced to me by Jodie Gordon on the way to ringette. Therefore, this song makes me think of ringette. And happiness.
Two, I still haven't completely gotten over something that Molli said, "I was ready for this to last for a while.." pertaining to our fight. That kills me. And it shows me how easily they were ready to not really be friends with me anymore. I'm scared of that. I guess it's stuck with me, making me feel quite uneasy about our friendship.

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North.
Sometimes, they forget how much I love them.
And the others just don't know how much I love them.

The Fight - The Rocket Summer
"This is how you made me, to fight the fight and keep on fighting."
This song talks about being abandoned. And truthfully, that's how I felt for a while. I felt as if certain friends of mine figured I was fine because of the change in my life, and the new people that I met. And I wasn't. But because of it, I just tried harder to be accepted. And I was.

Somebody Else - Hawk Nelson
"I used to be somebody else."
I've always loved this song. Listening to it makes me realize I've changed. But most of it is for the better. I think I've become a much smarter person, as well as someone who doesn't shit a brick at the thought of an oral assignment. Sometimes, it hurts, because people have expected me to become someone, and therefore have started thinking me to be that person. But I'm not.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand."
No one really understands me. I don't even understand me. And that's frustrating. Extremely.
"I just don't want to miss you tonight."
I'm tired of wishing I was somewhere else, and it being all I can think about. I don't want to be this dependant on something I know I am going to loose soon.

It's your life.

This is the moment, it's on the line.
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life, whatcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who
your heart beats for.
It's an open door.
It's your life.

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest,
Always waiting for someone else to fix you.
Tell me, when did you forget?

It's your life, whatcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who
your heart beats for.
It's an open door.

To live the way that you believe
this is your opportunity
to let your life be the one that lights the way.

Attention and brownies.

I am a complete sucker for attention. It could quite easily control me.
Like today, they gave me attention. It wasn't even necessarily the best attention to begin with, more of like I was their new victim. But it was attention, nonetheless, and I was happy.
The things that they include me in aren't me. So why do I like it? Because I want to be better friends with them, and I want them to accept me. And this, in my eyes, is accepting me.
Is it sad that I hope it continues?
Also, I am a sucker for brownies. Bake me brownies and you win my heart.

Multi-tasking.

I've recently learned that I am not very good at multi-tasking. Or rather, I'm not very good at thinking about two different things at one time. This causes the unfortunate event of my brain to stop working, and a really confused/empty look makes it's way onto my face.
It's quite sad, really.

Parents and technology.

Today is one of those days that I really wish my mom knew how to use technology properly.
Because of her inability to read this spread sheet properly, I am faced with MAJOR disappointment right now.
Not even kidding. So much for looking forwards to my tournament more.

The mysterious text message,

I awoke this morning a bit to early for my liking, due to my phone vibrating from a text message. It read:
"Yo, A friend gave me your numbr, and said we should hang out. Message me if youre interested"
Ha. Ha ha ha. Not really worth having to wake up for. So, while I was laying in bed, trying to fall back to sleep, I figured out a couple of reasons as to why I probably got this message.
1. My friends are trying to take this 5th wheel business in which I am constantly in to their own hands. Not probable, but possible.
2. The address in which this message was sent was an e-mail. It could have just been an automated message or something. Possible.
3. Some creep decided to be creepy. Probable.

Bad hair day.

I hate hair. Well, more of just my hair.
I appreciate that it's naturally straight, A LOT.
But the color is driving me insane. As of the past few months, the color isn't sticking to my hair, so within a week of dying it, unless I dye it too dark, it has gone back to this ugly orangey-redy brown color that I despise.
I personally blame the person who died my hair for the first time. I asked for a dark brown color, she gave me a reddy-brown. And that's what it keeps going to now.
My mother says the only way to fix it really would be to go back to my original hair color, being blond, and starting over.
But, I do not think I could handle having my hair blond again. I just don't.
I think it would be a shock to my system. Too much for me to handle.
Stupid hair.

#1, 2, 3

I don't feel good. But I'm not getting sick or anything.
It's more like my stomach is twisted into knots. Because of a lot of things.
Which are not just school, surprisingly. I have come to accept the fact that it is coming back, along with all the stresses, and there is nothing that I can do about it.
So bring it, school.

I suppose it start on Christmas Day. I appreciate everything I got. I didn't get anything to expensive, either. Which, actually, I am happy about. I didn't ask for anything expensive, so why get me something if you are not sure I am going to use it, and waste your money if I don't?
Even so, I felt as if I was missing something. Perhaps it's my grandfather, seeing as it was the first Christmas without him. But he was never around for Christmas, so surely it couldn't affect me that much, could it? Well, that and Grandma not really caring to talk to us, rushing off of the phone everytime we call.

Since that day, I have thought of small things each day that would get me through. For example, going shopping with my family on Monday. Ringette practise on Tuesday. Shopping on Wednesday. Party on Thursday/Friday. Ringette game/practise on Saturday.

I still feel empty though. I wonder if it's the distance between me and my friends.
Friend #1 : Affects me too much, what mood she is in. I don't think it's fair of her to keep getting frustrated and freaking out for a few moments, then being fine a little later and expecting us to be as well. I wish she would stop being so stubborn, sometimes.
Friend #2 : I miss the old her. The one that didn't party and what not. Her attitude towards more than just drinking and drugs has changed. I hate it. I know she's right in saying that me and friend #1 need to stop arguing, but it was harsh for her to get so mad over feelings that I can't help feeling.
Friend #3 : Laughs at things that I say, but as soon as the others say it isn't that funny, she agree's with them.

On New Years, they kept saying mean things about me, jokingly. But as soon as I started saying things back, it was of course I who was being the jerk.
I am going to stop talking about Stee around them. They know I love them, but they don't realize why I talk about them so much. They don't realize, no matter how many times I tell them, that I don't have anything else to talk about.
Also, I am going to stop caring about myself around them. Because apparently I do that too much.
And I'm going to have to deal with the jerkiness and frustration that comes out of Friend #1 when we all hang out. Because that's just the way she is, and it's not fair to ask her to change.

I need some chocolate.