So, lately I have been thinking a lot about choices that I've made, and how they have impacted my life.
I think the biggest one would be, when we moved to Calgary ten years ago, my parents couldn't make a choice between two houses to buy. One in the north, one in the south. They ended up giving my sister and I the choice. While the house in the south was nice in that it had hardwood floors and one of those bathrooms where there is a heater beneath the tiles to warm your feet, the house in the north had a fountain in the backyard. A fountain. And being 7 and 10 like my sister and I were, the fountain was WAAAY better than the hardwood floors. So we moved to the north.

What would have happened had we bought the house in the south?

I doubt I would be playing ringette, as my sister started playing it because of a few girls in her grade 5 class at Hawkwood Elementary played it. And seeing as we would not even have attended Hawkwood, would we ever have gotten into it?

I would not have gone to Branton, or probably even a french immersion school, as I am pretty sure not every Elementary school has a person as ecstatic as we did to promote french immersion. It makes me somewhat sad that I cannot remember her name.

I could be going to some ghetto high school. Without the positive influences that my friends have provided throughout elementary, junior AND senior high school, I could be like, a whore who smokes and drinks every weekend. Odd.

Who would I be?

Question,
if you could have one wish,
that would give you ANYTHING in the world
besides more wishes,
what would it be?

Could this be?
Are we coming to a turning point?
Or are we just setting ourselves up for more disappointment?

There needs to be more love in the world right now.
As VITE would say, "erbody love erbody".
A la vite. :)

I don't tell you enough.

Hannah, Lyndsay, and Rachel
I LOVE YOU

I think that I need to say that more often so that you don't forget.
You are all amazing people and never fail to astound me.
I appreciate your friendship so so much, and I can't imagine life without you guys.

much love forever.

Where are my good days?

"I need to just admit that the passion's gone"

I never thought I would see the day where I would say that I didn't want to go to ringette. I'm tired of dealing with this.
I knew this was going to happen. I didn't think it would be this bad though.

I miss you.
"You told me, look for you and I will find. So I'm here, like I'm searching for the first time"

What do I do? I've done the best I can.

It's frustrating. I hate being a second year. I hate it because people look to you. I love being captain, but at the same time, I despise it. Because people see the letter on your jersey, and they expect you to be good. They expect you to shine, to lead the team. When you make mistakes, you feel like you have let everyone down, even though they are making more mistakes then you are. I like being a first year and playing with people who are better than you, so you can learn from them, improve, and you don't feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

"Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrows?"

I do.

And at the same time, I hate playing good. Because I know that I did the best that I could, and there is nothing more I can possibly do. And it's not helping. I hate feeling so helpless. Like all my hard work is for nothing.

I don't understand why this isn't working. The ability is there. The will to win is not. How do you learn to have that? How do you learn mental toughness?

And I can't stop. I can't stop thinking of how things were. How perfect things were.
I miss you and it is breaking my heart. Slowly, painfully.

I've lost my passion.

I miss you.
"Believe in yourself. Believe in your team. Never give up, never give in"
Biy, biyt, ngu, ngi.


Where have my good days gone?