I never met you, but I wish I had.
Today isn't the only day, but it is especially today that I see the lives you touched,
the lives who'd do anything to bring you back.
I can see how special you were. How much you meant to them.
I've never seen someone have such a huge impact on someone else's life.
But you did. And these things can never be undone.
Just like how you will never be forgotten.

So today, I grieve for the girl I never met. The girl I wasn't lucky enough to meet.

Life was too short for you, but God needed his angel back. He needed you to help him take care of all of us down here. I'm grateful that you are there when I can't be enough for my friends.
When I look at the stars I know you're up there, watching over them. And I'm grateful.
Thank you for keeping them safe.
RIP DBH.

It's great when you find a song that quite perfectly describes an aspect of your life.
For example. I've always believed in God. And that's not just because my sister is the churchobsessedhopingtobecomeaministersoshecanhelptheworld girl. Honestly, you don't know how many fits I've thrown about my parents trying to make me go to church.
But that's never really stopped me believing. Not until everything started falling apart, and I started praying for help. I stopped believing because when I needed help the most, things only got worse.
Second chances, God?
So, I stumbled across the new Starfield cd, which, by chance, was a top seller on itunes (Starfield, really? Since when do people other than me know about them?), and the song Rediscover you.

I need to just admit, my faith is paper thin.
I'm feeling so burned out on religion.

I say an empty prayer, I sing a tired song.
I need to just admit the passion's gone.

And I want to get it back.

You told me, look for you and I will find.
So I'm here, like I'm searching for the first time.
Revive me, Jesus make this cold heart start to move.
Help me rediscover you.

Is that possible?

Someone should sing me "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" right now, or else they are going to miss their chance.
Right now, the number seventeen is making me feel old.
But tomorrow will come, and just as every other year, I will feel no different.
And then, it will be exactly one year until I turn 18.
The world should be frightened.

And I'm inspired.

I wonder what happened to you.

I wonder what happened to the person who lived for others. Who lived for those random acts of kindness that made our days. Who earned our love by how much you cared.

What changed?

I used to catch glimpses of the old you here and there. Not quite the same as before, though they were still there. But not anymore.
I think it's sad that I saved those messages to keep as proof. To help me believe that you still love me, especially when you seem like you forget I exist.
Yes, shit happened last year. But that's not the fault of these people who you are affecting now. They have done nothing but been there for you, and you continue to let them down and treat them like shit.

I'm tired of always being there for you and you never being there. I'm tired of you choosing certain times to talk to me, then never talking to me all the other times.
I sometimes hear from other people that you were talking about me. Saying that I mean a lot to you. It would have been nice if you could have said that to my face.

I don't understand you. I understood when you would tell me that you had problems, but you didn't want me to worry about it and get me involved. What I don't understand is now you actually do need me? How suddenly now, you expected me to be there.
Apparently you wanted to see me. But I couldn't be there. And now it's like you've dropped off the face of the earth. Deceiving, lieing to the people who have always been there for you.

There are people out there who fucking love you. You have to remember that you mean something to them. You have to remember what they mean to you.
Because if you don't start remembering that, you are going to loose them. And me.

I hate how
I really think about what I am saying before I say it around certain people.
If texting, I text it out, erase a part, add a part, erase the whole message and start over. I then delay sending it in fear of it sounding stupid. After I send it, I fear not getting a response at all.
I hate how certain words that aren't meant to upset me do.
I hate how I try too hard.

I love how
much I missed you, and that you are coming home tomorrow.
my birthday is in a week.
I have a whole weekend of ringette.

I believe.

I think,

It has been a very long time since I have wanted something so bad.
I think it would be okay if it were actually up to me; I could work hard to achieve it.
But it's not. I have to depend on many others for it to happen.
I know they can do it.
So why am I having such a hard time believing in them?

:)

You don't even understand how excited I was when the lady who makes the announcements at Abe said "Ruhm". Made my day.
Jodie, your ruhm senses better me tingling next time.

Seasons of love.

So much happens in February. Groundhogs day, Valentines day (also known as Twyla's birthday), my sister's birthday (20th, OMG), my birthday. But even so, February, at least for the past few years, has never been a good month for me. I really hope that changes. I have so much going on this month, and if things don't go my way, I'm going to fall again. I really don't want to go back there.